Public Awareness

It seems like every month, there is a Public Health Message. Breast Cancer Awareness, Happy Hearts, Say No To Smoking, etc. I have no idea what April is, but I have a story to share before I spoil the ending.
When Asa was born, I had no expectations. Since I don't like babies, and I don't think babies are cute, I had no expectations. But after several readings, I was waiting for post-partum, a.k.a baby blues. But days went by and I wasn't breaking down into tears or feeling like my world was falling apart, so I thought I had escaped it. I was proud. Remember, post-partum is chemically based and so I wasn't sure which way I would swing.
With any new experience, whether it be babies, marriage, or going away to college, you get new emotions. So we had some learning experiences in those early days, but again, no depression so I was happy. However, I remember days of wondering if we should stay home, and have a tree fall on us. Get in a car, and be hit by someone else. Or go to the mall and get shot at. Every thing we did seemed to be fraught with danger. New baby, no tears-we were good. I would put Asa to bed at night, and think "Wow, he is one day closer to leaving me for college". Okay, that one I chalked up to new baby emotions. But still, Post-Partum, as mentioned in brief paragraphs in baby books, all talked about depression, not wanting to be near your baby, not feeling adequate as a mother, extreme emotions, etc. I had none of that. I just felt like nothing was relaxed and as a new mommy, I was rightly nervous.
So one day, I am waiting somewhere. I can't remember where, but there was reading material-a book, magazine, something. It could have been an office, store, or someone's house. I honestly do not remember. But by chance I flipped to a page and there was an article about post-partum and imagine my surprise when I read that THE NUMEBR ONE SYMPTOM OF POST-PARTUM IS ANXIETY. What the hell? Not one time prior had I ever heard that. Anxiety, not depression is what I was suppose to be looking for and 5 months of forcing myself to not dwell on every little safety issue was over. At Asa's next appointment I talked to my doctor and his exact words were "let's get you some help". It was like sunshine.
My doctor prescribed med's and I wish I could say it made everything better. It didn't. But what it did do was make me feel like I could cope, and then go out and get better myself. I sceduled in an hour of free time for myself every week. That one hour made a huge difference. I made sure to keep up on at least one hobby. But most of all, I made sure to relax and enjoy Asa as he was then, and not dream of the day when he could walk, talk, feed himself, etc. And not dwell that he could now sleep through the night, take a bottle, smile, etc. Just love him as he is no matter where he is.
I wish I could say that even after that, I become mom du-jour. I didn't. Parenting, whether it starts with step- or ends with -hood, is such a huge learning curve. And as late as last July (thank-you Katie for being there!), Asa and I were still learning the ropes. But by looking for the wrong symptoms, I delayed the entire process by months. I still get frustrated by that.
At the time I got help for post-partum, I got a lot of "pat on the backs" for being so brave as to get help. But let's point 2 things out. One, post-partum can be a whole lot worse than what I went through. We are dealing with chemicals, and it is different for everyone, AND everytime. I am waiting to see what happens with kid number 2 before I make plans about what we will do. Second, I had a baby who was depending on me to try to be my best. Note, he wasn't waiting for me to be the best. No one can be that person. Asa still needs me to TRY my best. I will make mistakes, and he will cry at what an evil mommy I am (no Thomas DVD's at midnight!!), but he will also know that my mistakes were honest and made in the name of love, and NOT because I refused to do my best, whatever that best may be.
So I declare this month, and next month, and every month thereafter the month of Post-Partum. Are you having a baby? Expecting a neice/nephew? Grandchild? A friend reproducing? Please let them know to watch for anxiety. It just seems that depression gets all the press and it isn't even what most people get. How disappointing.
A friend of mine has been blogging about her bout with Post-Partum, and while I think her's was worse (way to go T!), I also noticed that she said something similiar-she wasn't depressed per se, but she had a lot of anxiety, and since no one was looking for that, she went a lot longer than me without a diagnosis. So spread the word, because new babies deserve it. (She also inspired me to write this.)
The one thing I did learn from all this, is that when Tom Cruise passes a grapefruit through ANY hole in his body, then he can tell me what I need to do with Post-Partum. Being female, I have never made the presumption to tell men how to deal with prostrate cancer, and he has no right telling me what I need to be doing to get over child birth. If I thought bucking it up and smiling in the mirror would have cured all my problems, I would have used it in college to get better grades.
So please, pass the word-Anxiety, Anxiety, Anxiety.