I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions. What's the point in vowing to do something you know you won't stick with. And as someone once told me-why wait till January? If you want to accomplish something, start right away. But this year is different.
I vow to put things in perspective.
Last Spring, a friend, who shall remain nameless because I hope she has forgotten all about it, turned to me and said "can you at least pretend to look interested in what I am saying". Ouch. That stung. Not because she said it-I never want my friends to feel they can't talk to me. It stung because I had become THAT PERSON. Who wants an insensitive clod around? Who wants an unfeeling, uncaring Scrooge as a friend? Who says to themselves "let's invite the killjoy for shits and giggles". After a few more conversations, I promised my friend I would do some soul searching and for the last 6 months I have. Soul searching can be brutal-if we do it right, we have to look into the deepest, darkest, most cob-webby places of our selves and be honest about what's right and what's wrong. If your soul searching takes 5 minutes and involves the mall, how much did you really learn?
So 6 months later I realized it wasn't that I didn't care but that I have been stressed. Stressed beyond belief. Stressed like I have never been stressed before, and I just missed all the signs because I am not angry, I am not working to hard, and I am not depressed. But I am now a mother and things changed that I didn't exepct. The dirty diapers-not a big deal. The soundtrack of screaming-I was forwarned. Insipid cartoons that deal with potty training and being nice-well prepared. However, cleaning the floor after every meal has lost it's appeal. Reading the same lousy Sesame Street story every night for a month is harder than I thought. My new hobby of laundry was never fun. Worried that God will take away the mot precious gift he has ever given me-priceless. It all adds up to a slow, eroding of the nerves.
So I promise that I care, I promise that I hear what's being said, and I promise that I also hear what is being said.
I am not going to cry over the problems of the world. Even Mother Theresa accepted she couldn't change the world, just her corner of it. I can do that too.
I can't change people. I need to accept that.
I am not going to put off the things I really want to do. I take my first cooking class the end of this month.
I will eat better. Better food means better energy.
I will carve out at least a few minutes to read daily. Reading means sitting, sitting means relaxing.
I will laugh more.
I will put things in perspective.
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3 comments:
What an inpiring and moving post, Dena! We've known each other for over 28 years, and seeing you change and grow has truly been a gift. You're an amazing person with a deep sense of integrity. Our world is lucky to have you in it! And I'm lucky to have you as a friend.
Jill
YOU are going to take cooking classes! That is so cool! I think your blog is right on for all new mothers. It is a lot of work, it is a lifestyle change, it is a huge shift in one's personal universe. Good for you for starting something for you. One day I was stuck sitting in a government office trying to take care of some stuff, I made a list of everything I would one day like to do. I hope that by having a list I will at least do somethings because I will want to check them off and if I can visually see it, I will more inclined to stick with it. As for maybe not being there for people as much as we would like, part of that is being a new parent and everything revolving around the kid(s) and part of it is that we can't be there for someone as much as we would like unless we have gone through it ourselves. I think it is great that your doing a lot of introspection, but try not to be to hard on yourself.
You are an inspiration my friend. I can appreciate all of the things that you said, and I am so in awe of you. Not many people look at themselves and say, "Lst's see what I can change." You must be "highly evolved" - January means spring isn't too far away, and I'm hoping for a visit from you and that baby. We miss you!
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