It isn't often I quote a movie, primarily because I can never remember anything verbatim. But in the last week or so I seem to be having the same conversation with many, many different people. Must be that time of year. Basically, like Julia Roberts said in response to Richard Gere in the movie "Pretty Woman", when asked about her low self-esteem despite being told she was good, she replied that it was easier to believe the bad things. Is that not so true? Last Saturday my friend Jennifer and I had a little spat that went something like this:
Jennifer: Dena, you are a good person.
Dena: No I am not, you are.
Jenniefer: No I am , not you are.
Dena: No I am not, you are.
We sounded like Ted Bundy and Charles Manson fighting over who was more evil. But everyone I talked to seems to ahve the hardest time believing the best about themselves, myself included and I don't know why that is. I have tough standards for my friends-my first reaction is to think everyone is suspicious, and then let you prove yourself to me. It saves a lot of heartache on my end, but makes me choosy, so if I am communicating with you in any way, feel honored.
But no matter how many times someone says I am smart, pretty, worhtwhile, etc., etc. my first reaction is that they must be a crack smoker. I am WORTHY of those qualities, but I still have to work my way to them. It gives me goals, and keeps me from feeling like complete idiot, but it makes me wonder about myself. Why do I nedd constant validation? Why do so many other good people I know need the same thing? Why are we so friggin' tough on ourselves? I don't have the answer to that. Maybe God likes us to see us strive harder than we think capable? Maybe it is HIS way of keeping us humble? Or maybe we need to take the stick out of our ass and relax? I will keep pondering this question but I would like to see what others say, if you want to answer. Why are we so quick to beleive the worst about ourselves, but not the best? Or am I the only one who thinks this? If that is the case, it is sure lonely at the top! Ha ha-I know I am not the only one, but what does the rest of the world think, if it thinks anything?
3 comments:
I think you are absolutely right on about how most (especially women) think about themselves. I have been working on it myself. Part of something I have to tell myself is all the things I do that are RIGHT rather than all the things I do that are wrong. It is easy to put yourself up against every other person and say, "I'm no good because I don't do this and this like they do." I put myself against who you are as a mom as well...why don't I relax like she does? Why do I let my kids get so dirty, and Asa always seems so clean? Why, why, why...? Mostly, I measure myself up against who I THINK I should be, and I will NEVER reach that goal, because that woman I think I should be is probably a b**ch...My house would always have a glinty little shine on it, the kids would only have educational toys, my meals would be homemade and always balanced nutritionally...we just can't possibly do it all. Have you watched "Parenthood" with Steve Martin...watch it, and you'll feel better. It is funny and true...We'll talk about it when you come over :)
Dena, I think you are very brave to post such a thing. Most of us have insecurities like that but we never talk about them except to a chosen few maybe. It is too hard to admit that we are not as perfect as we perceive everyone else to be. And we feel by admitting this that it is just one more strike against us in the quest for perfection. If we don't say anything about our imperfections, then we can pretend like, "Hey I meant to do that, um yeah."
Katie, don't you know? Someone else's kid is always cleaner than yours, and your house will be at its best when no one is there to see it, including your husband and it will look its worst on the day everyone feels the need to just drop in unannounced. A house that has toys, etc every where shows that your kids are actually playing and entertaining themselves. A house that doesn't have that TV show sparkle to it means that you are playing with your kids instead of cleaning. I am sure you are doing a great job as a parent.
I wonder if people from other cultures have low self-esteem.
I think it is good to do a little self-evaluation once in a while. However, Americans seem to use standards that are too high. If we were the version of "perfect" we have been told to be, would we be truly happy?
-Jack Handy
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